I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
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