I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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