While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
