so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
