Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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