Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize