You don't have asthma, your pregnant
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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