Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
