I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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