I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Randomize
