You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
