Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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