I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
