Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
