I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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