Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
This baby is an asshole
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
