Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
