a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize