i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
pop tarts are not kleenex
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
