You work out of a Hotel?
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
