You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
