So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
