then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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