Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Randomize
