I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
