So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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