I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
