this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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