You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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