my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
