I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
