I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Randomize
