I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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