I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
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