this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
