I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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