u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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