Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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