I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
What a dumb baby whore.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
