I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
