i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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