JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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