piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
