My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
