The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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