No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
