i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
