Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize