true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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