then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Randomize
