In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
