you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
