somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
