Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
is swine flu sexually transmttd?
Ha no, why?
sriously ive never had a hangovr this bad
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
