If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize